It know it's stupid, but...
I might be stupid, but....
I was 'scanning' this blog I found called GayBodyBlog and this guy just jumped out at me...
It convinced me that, contrary to my own belief, I must have a type
I mean taking into account aesthetics and personality - I think subconsciously everybody must have a type? If I can look at someone (like this guy for example) and instantly feel some kind of attraction, then there must be someone who can look at this same image and feel repelled (you??) and so (assuming these two statements are true) we must be using some kind of mental checklist or template to make these instantaneous decisions... right?... maybe?
It might be stupid, but...
I think with guys its more about 'cuteness' for me. I mean this guy; Michael Edward... textbook cuteness, but manly enough to not look twinky or yaoi.
I also know I dislike hairiness... not really bothered about anything else, size, muscles, height... ideally 2/3 is poetry...
I have no idea where this preference comes from...?
I just know that, above all, I like it when they're caring.
It might be stupid, but...
I dislike weakness in myself. I know that I am always putting up a front and it takes a lot for something to get to me, yet I always hold people at arms length and I'm not entirely sure why...? Maybe subconsciously I don't think I'm good enough, so I downplay everything so I don't draw attention to the aspects of myself that I cant have 100% control over. It means that I don't take romantic risks. I mean when I think about it I have never asked anyone out if I wasn't 100% sure they liked me first. Either that or I waited to be asked. I convince myself that it's because I don't want to force myself onto people, but actually its just fear of rejection. Especially around men. I seek their approval...
I know it's messed up, but...
it means all a guy has to do to win me over is be caring. Even more messed up that I know and accept this about myself...
And in terms of animal attraction I know I have always been more inclined to men, but I prevented myself from exploring that aspect of my identity pretty much since it surfaced so I haven't developed the intuition to tell whether they're attracted too, like I can tell with girls, so I just read into everything....
I know it's stupid but...
It is one of the reasons that I am going through this weirdness with Ben (who is gay but has no idea I am attracted to men... well he didn't till I once hinted at it... which is when all this weirdness began...) I cant tell whether the stuff that goes on between us now is me misreading him or him sending me some kind of signal. It's always present when we're together like a thickness in the air. I can't decipher the atmosphere...
And even if I could. I'm not entirely sure it would make a difference....
Im clearly mental.
*UGH*
Just thought I'd vent it...
Sam
29 December 2009 at 05:19
I don't think I have a type. And when I think I do, I fall for someone who is out of that type. It's... interesting. But good, I think. But I suppose there are some people who I could never like, so maybe we all have a non-type?
I really hate boys at the moment lol.
RE: Rejection. I'm ridiculously scared of rejection, which is why I don't try anything. And re: approval. I know what you mean. I think I'll do a short post about that haha.
I think we're better at reading people than we give ourselves credit for, but as soon as we're attracted to someone we just ignore it because we think we're misreading the signals. And maybe we are, but more often than not, I think we have it right.
Now if only I could follow my own advice.
*hugs*
:)
30 December 2009 at 03:24
i think everybody has a type, which doesn't necessarily mean people are aware of what their type really is.
it's very dangerous to expect a man to give you the confidence you lack. I've tried, not always with a nice result... But it's also nice to know that sometimes, no matter how scared of rejection we can be, we know when to put our foot down.